I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
