I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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