my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
