Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
