Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
