walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
