I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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