Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
