Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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