I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't put those talents on a resume
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
