I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
