He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
