Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
