so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
