whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
