I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize