He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
