At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
