he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
