You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
