That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
