I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
