Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize