Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
