I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
