Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
