You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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