I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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