I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
