i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
