somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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