wanna go halves on a baby?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
