I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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