Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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