nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My bed smells like the plague
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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