new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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