Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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