I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
