drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
