i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
