I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
