I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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