I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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