I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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