and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize