I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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