you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
