I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The air was thick with penises
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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