the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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