I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
