There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
