Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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