i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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