I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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