I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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