end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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