It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
