The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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