Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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