So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
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