happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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