I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
