Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
