There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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