I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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