You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
two words...techno handjob
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
